Help Wanted

“Don’t need school? If nigga no to school, nigga no get a job. If nigga no get a job, nigga no get no money. If nigga don’t get no money, nigga no gonna be able to afford BMW 7-series, nigga!”

-“Tokyo Breakfast” (Google it! I dare you. It's damned funny.)

Ok, I’m sure all of you have applied, or will apply for a job.

We started looking through applications yesterday for new student hires. (I meant to write this last night, but real life intruded and I had no computer access for most of the night.) In my stack of ten to review, I found one that went directly into my “YES” pile, four that went right into “NO” and the other five were in the “MAYBE.” Granted, there were a couple high maybes and a few low maybes, and only one that I couldn’t think of anything to comment on. Since I’m new to this, my boss double checked my work. She moved my high maybes into the “YES” pile and my lows into the “NO.”

So, the question is, what makes for a “YES” as opposed to a “NO?” Well, a lot depends on the skills and experience you have to offer. Jobs with increasing responsibility certainly help, as do hobbies and activities that show maturity, an ability to commit, and leadership potential. Being an Eagle Scout will help you, being a conissieur of Mexican fast food won’t.

On the other hand, even if you have good experience, a bad application will not help. Nattering on for half a page about what music you like to play or going hiking in the mountains will get you shunted off into the circular file. Likewise, writing things in a very casual or chatty “tone” will do the same. Following the directions will help as well. Our application has a short test for alphabetizing a list of titles and one for arranging decimals in order. Not knowing what you are doing, or making a mistake won’t get you disregarded. We can teach you how to do it. Ignoring the directions entirely will get you rejected, especially if the rest of your application only elicits a “meh” from the guy reading it over.

So, tips for those of you seeking employment:

Be brief. It makes it easier for us to read. It also gives you less chance of saying something that might turn a good application into a maybe, or worse. Besides, verbal diarrhea does not make you look “smart.”

Be professional. It’s better to be too formal, than to have your application sound like you’re chatting with your friends on your cellphone. Especially when it’s read aloud. Avoid smartass remarks or attempts at humor. You’ll probably end up being unintentionally humorous and canned.

PROOFREAD! If it looks like net-speak, we don’t care if you have an IQ of 245 and dedication of a platoon of Japanese salarymen. You obviously aren’t using it, and we won’t call you.

Follow up! The fact that you called us a few days after submitting your application to inquire goes a LONG way towards getting your application into the “YES” pile. Don’t be afraid of “bothering” us. We want to hire people that want the job. I spent 6 YEARS trying to get a job in this library. I applied for every opening. I interviewed for several position and, in spite of constantly being passed over for internal candidates, I got in. I’m pretty sure that my stubborn determination counted highly.

Basically, don’t be a dumbass. We’re not your friend yet, and we don’t care.

Of course, I’ve been guilty of all these mistakes myself. Luckily, I learned from them. Hopefully, you can learn from my mistakes as well.